It fits!

Within a matter of about 12 days, I'm elated to announce that my favorite and absolutely delicious leather jacket once again fits me. Actually, it not only fits me, but it zipped all the way up as the fashion gods intended. I wore it on Saturday on my really awkward date with Safeway dude. He might have been a loser, but I sure as hell looked like a winner. Also in clothing news, all of my size 20 items no longer fit me. Not even a little bit. I cleaned out my closet full of size 20s this weekend and made a hefty pile that I have yet to know what to do with. Part of me wants to profit from this slightly while part of me thinks I should just donate it to Goodwill. I think I'll opt to make money off of it first, but if that proves to be futile, I suppose I'll just donate it.

9.19.13

While I'm tooting my own horn, can I just say how fabulous I've been looking these days? A friend of mine suggested this website called Gwynnie Bee for my clothing needs and it has proven to be spectacular. In a nutshell, you are more or less renting your clothes for a flat rate per month and they cater to sizes 10 and up. This is perfect for me since I'll be losing weight and dropping sizes relatively fast and can't afford to buy a new work wardrobe every few weeks. So I basically get to wear a new outfit every day of the week since I'm taking out 10 articles at a time, and if its something I really love, I recloset it for a later date and in a smaller size. My outfit today is especially awesome though. I also have a huge milestone yesterday. Someone at work (who didn't know about the surgery) poked her head in my office and said "You've been looking skinny lately? Have you been trying?" Why, yes, yes I have been trying, and THANK YOU; you're my new favorite person in the world, even though you are annoying and ratted myself and my colleague out to our boss's boss for no goddamned good reason. Whoa - I got a little motional there. Anywho, it was the first compliment from a random and I felt so spectacular about myself afterwards.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 241.6

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160 

One Month Down

Last Monday while picking up a few items from Safeway, this attractive fella approached me in the frozen food aisle armed with compliments and flattery. Normally, I'm not one to talk to men who approach me; well, mainly because the only men who tend to approach me fall into the dreaded "creeper" category. I'm the type of girl who tends to win over the more attractive humans with my wit and charm.

I digress.

So, Safeway dude asked me for my number and I obliged. Shockingly enough, he called me the following evening and a long ass conversation ensued, not really on my part though. He's a talker, and a bit of a yenta (shout out to my Jewish Brooklyn roots), and definitely an over-sharer. He told me things that definitely did not need to be told during the first conversation. Or ever. Yes, definitely ever. He also made mention of how much money he makes, on more than one occasion, which is so annoying. Sorry dude - I'm unimpressed by your money, so you'll have to try harder than that to impress me. We had a few more conversations during the week, and I wasn't left feeling any more excited about this guy, but I did want to spend time face to face with him to see if maybe there was something there.

There's not. He's a dull and lifeless freak of nature. And a bit of a liar. And never remembers anything I've told him. I'll be avoiding his phone calls from now on. RIP Safeway dude.

Why do my legs look freakishly shorter?

Saturday, September 14th was my official "One Month Surgiversary". Actually, that term really annoys me. Let's start over.

Saturday, September 14th was my official "One Month since my stomach was hacked into pieces and ripped from my body" (that sounds better, yes?) and I am down 30 pounds since my pre-op diet 6 weeks ago. It's kind of mind blowing to think that I've lost 30 pounds of lard in such a short amount of time. I've read of people losing over 40 pounds in their first month since their surgery date, but I have to admit I'm much more interested in losing at a slower and steady pace. I'm not in a big hurry. There is no finish line. I'm more concerned about having my skin hold up well while losing, than dropping 100 pounds in a matter of 6 months. I'll get there when I get there. My stall did seem to break though because my one month weigh in wasn't on my typical weekly Wednesday weigh in day and I lost 2 pounds in a matter of three days. I've also discovered my newfound love of turkey meatballs with a little bit o' ricotta and fresh homemade sauce. Omnomnom.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 243.6

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160 

Chef Heather

I'm officially a chef. I mean, look at this glorious meal that I've created; it's truly something to marvel at. What you're looking at is pan seared tilapia topped with mango salsa that was sautéed in raspberry poppy seed vinaigrette, with a little bit of guacamole on the side. I know you're impressed with me. Hell, I'm actually more impressed with me than you ever could be. My creativity in the kitchen was nothing to sneeze at previously, but having such limited food options has opened my eyes to how I can make what I'm eating really enjoyable. I've officially evolved past eggs people, and I'm quite pleased with myself. It's safe to eat fish every day, right?

Granted, I haven't come up with anything as impressive as this yet, but just you wait. Currently, I'm dreaming of the day when I can eat cucumber slices with hummus dolloped on top. That day... will be a good day indeed. It's also bizarre that I don't desire food, specifically and I certainly don't experience hunger as my former self did. My body gets hungry when I physically need to eat. I'm assuming because I'm consuming so few calories per meal, I am experiencing the need to eat more frequently than I will further down the line. I officially know what it feels like to have low blood-sugar, and it's not a good feeling at all. With that said, my desire for cucumbers isn't due to a craving or anything like that - I would just like a bit of variety when I'm fueling my body with the energy and protein that it needs.

I'm also experiencing my first stall, which typically hits at about 3 to 4 weeks out, so I'm right on target. Instead of freaking the fuck out like so many of these bitches do (was that rude - my bad), I instead did my due diligence and read up on this phenomenon and found some pretty interesting info:

"A 'stall' a few weeks out is inevitable, and here's why.
 
Our bodies use glycogen for short term energy storage. Glycogen is not very soluble, but it is stored in our muscles for quick energy -- one pound of glycogen requires 4 lbs of water to keep it soluble, and the average glycogen storage capacity is about 2 lbs. So, when you are not getting in enough food, your body turns first to stored glycogen, which is easy to break down for energy. And when you use up 2 lbs of glycogen, you also lose 8 lbs of water that was used to store it -- voila -- the "easy" 10 lbs that most people lose in the first week of a diet.

As you stay in caloric deficit, however, your body starts to realize that this is not a short term problem. You start mobilizing fat from your adipose tissue and burning fat for energy. But your body also realizes that fat can't be used for short bursts of energy -- like, to outrun a saber tooth tiger. So, it starts converting some of the fat into glycogen, and rebuilding the glycogen stores. And as it puts back the 2 lbs of glycogen into the muscle, 8 lbs of water has to be stored with it to keep it soluble. So, even though you might still be LOSING energy content to your body, your weight will not go down or you might even GAIN for a while as you retain water to dissolve the glycogen that is being reformed and stored.

Breathe, and fuggedaboudit for a few days."

So, with that said, I'm just going to keep and truckin' and keep in mind that where I am today is certainly not where I was a month ago, and that's quite alright with me.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 245.7

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160 

Is it fall yet?

For years, I've been under the impression that yours truly was a statuesque 5'8" - I graduated high school at the height of 5'6" but thanks to all the Wheaties, I ended up growing until I was about 20 and shot up two inches within that time frame. I was always pretty pleased with being tall; sure, it was a little unfortunate when I met an attractive guy and he ended up being half a midget if I wore heels, but you just have to roll with the punches, right?

Let's fast forward to my last doctor's appointment last week where my bubble burst wide open and my life no longer made sense afterwards. According to their measurements, I'm closer to 5'7" - maybe 5'7" and a half if the wind blows due east. I tried to think of this logically and the only thing I was able to come up with: I'm old. My spine is compressing, my bones are crumbling, and my grey hairs have somehow attacked the rest of my body and they are now in control of my life. I think now is about the time for someone to pour me a tall glass of prune juice. 

I wonder how that would taste with the devil's protein powder mixed into it. 

In lighter news though (no pun intended), my size 20 jeans were feeling way too big today and since I was feeling frisky, I grabbed my favorite size 18 jeans from the closet. I truly didn't have much faith in these jeans fitting and I was fully prepared for the mental defeat, but up they came and buttoned they did. Sure, they were a bit on the snug side, but that's not the point. They were up and on and I could walk in them. So, since I was on such a roll, I decided to try on only the most amazing leather jacket in existence (that hasn't fit in almost two years sadly) and wouldn't you know, I was able to get the jacket on too. It's not ready to be worn yet because it's still too tight but by the time the cooler weather rolls around, I'll have my favorite jacket on, and some hot ass jeans to cover my large posterior. I'd call today quite the success - minus the $200 I spent on makeup.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 247.5

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

Kale... smoothie?

In the continued effort to find flavorful beverages to mix the death that is known as protein into, I opted to attempt a kale smoothie (highly recommended by a friend of mine). Unfortunately, her recipe was lacking information and portion suggestions. Instead of looking up a recipe online (which is something a normal person would do when making something for the first time) I decided to wing it; see where my Ninja took me. 

It took me someplace dark. Evil. Awful. I never want to go back there. Please don't make me go back there. 

First of all, I was expecting my smoothie to look green and healthy and beautiful; it was supposed to look amazing, much like the picture above. Instead... it looked suspicious, purplish, bubbly, and frightening. Nothing about this concoction looked beautiful or healthy. And against my better judgment, I tasted it instead of just pouring it down the drain. Worst decision ever. It tasted leafy and grass life. It tasted like it should have been green. I wanted a green drink that didn't taste green but instead got a purplish drink that tasted like dirt.

The remainder of the kale was thrown out, which might have been a little rash because I'm looking at a recipe right now that looks like it wouldn't taste bark like, especially since this mixture calls for coconut milk. It is at the top of the trash though, so I suppose I could just pull it out and put it back in the fridge. No one would know. Well, you would I guess, assuming that someone is reading this. 

...no one's reading this.

No - I will not be removing food from the trash. I've reached some weird lows a few weeks ago, I will not be taking a trip down memory lane.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 247.5

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

Two weeks later

Monday was my two week follow-up appointment with the surgeon (well, technically it was 12 days post op, but who's counting?) and things are looking great. The surgeon said all is well, that I'm doing great, and I've been cleared to start cardio and move on to soft foods. No sweeter words have been uttered to me before because I have been looking forward to a soft boiled egg for a month now. I mean really, who fantasizes about an egg? Me - I do. Judge me.

I did not count on how difficult eating would be though. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be challenging; hell, when I first started drinking water I could barely get a teeny sip in without it hurting, and now I can take almost normal sized gulps. For whatever reason, I opted to try a soft scrambled egg with a dash of milk topped with cheese, which ended up being an awful idea. Why didn't I just follow my heart? Trust you gut, people. Always go with your instincts. I was able to get maybe half of it down before I gave up and sat with this feeling of an elephant on my chest. After about an hour, I ended up laying down and napped for a good four hours. Can you even call that a nap? I know people who average four hours of sleep a night.

So now I'm several days into this soft food adventure and I've discovered a few things that I like and can tolerate well:
1. Deviled eggs
2. Deviled eggs
3. Deviled eggs

Experiments are still being done regularly though and I've used every pot and pan in my apartment for the first time since moving in... in 2012. I did make something called "Shelly's Ricotta Bake" (for which I make a homemade sauce that my mom would be damn proud of) and tonight for dinner I had a fake taco, which was really just taco meat with a little bit o' taco sauce, half a of dollop sour cream and a dusting of cheddar cheese. Once again though, I couldn't finish it. At least I have my deviled eggs prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 247.5

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

The hunt begins

Post surgery, protein supplements become a core part of recovery and sustained health. Also, it helps prevent your hair from falling out, which is a lovely side affect from anesthesia; so, because I'm a vapid narcissist (ha), the driving motive behind me finding a tolerable supplement is to prevent my impending baldness. The only thing is, I need 100% whey isolate protein. I honestly didn't even know that there were different types of protein out there because, let's face it, I'm no body builder and it just never occurred to me to give a damn. Unfortunately, 100% whey isolate protein taste's like the devil's tit. No - that's too much of a compliment. The horribleness that is this supplement is equivalent to liquid NyQuil mixed with gonorrhea dipped in dirty water that cleaned someone's ball sack.

I digress.

The first protein supplement that I bought was some Costco brand pre-made boxed beverage. My sister used to drink them when she first became a vegetarian and she told me that they weren't terrible, so I thought I'd give it a go. My brother also cosigned their apparent deliciousness, so when I got home from the hospital I thought this would be a walk in the park. I assure you though that it wasn't. These things were disgusting, and I can't exactly put my finger on why they were disgusting. It might be because I currently can not drink anything quickly (it fills up my tiny ass stomach too quickly and then it hurts). Everything I eat or drink I must savor and it's a little difficult to savor chocolate flavored chalk in thick liquid form. It might also have to do with the fact that i drank nothing but chocolate Opti-Fast shakes for two weeks prior to surgery and the idea of having to drink chocolate anything makes me want to kick a baby. I tried these drinks for another day or so before I gave up and moved on.

I moved on to one of two samples I purchased from The Vitamin Shoppe, both made by Syntrax's Nectar. I mixed the vanilla flavored one first with entirely too much water. It looked like... actually I don't even want to relive what it looked like, but it took over 3 hours to get it down. That evening I made the chocolate flavored one (even though I was dreading anything chocolate) and mixed it with milk this time. Beside the fact that this shit does not mix instantly and you have a million little clumpies floating all about, the taste was not terrible - more or less in the tasty family and since this was a semi good experience, I was forced to purchase the giant tub of it to hold me over until I find something with a bit more variety. I would also like to mention that this $40 tub was just barely half full. They're going to get a strongly worded letter from me. 

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 249.8

Height: 5'8"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160