Kale... smoothie?

In the continued effort to find flavorful beverages to mix the death that is known as protein into, I opted to attempt a kale smoothie (highly recommended by a friend of mine). Unfortunately, her recipe was lacking information and portion suggestions. Instead of looking up a recipe online (which is something a normal person would do when making something for the first time) I decided to wing it; see where my Ninja took me. 

It took me someplace dark. Evil. Awful. I never want to go back there. Please don't make me go back there. 

First of all, I was expecting my smoothie to look green and healthy and beautiful; it was supposed to look amazing, much like the picture above. Instead... it looked suspicious, purplish, bubbly, and frightening. Nothing about this concoction looked beautiful or healthy. And against my better judgment, I tasted it instead of just pouring it down the drain. Worst decision ever. It tasted leafy and grass life. It tasted like it should have been green. I wanted a green drink that didn't taste green but instead got a purplish drink that tasted like dirt.

The remainder of the kale was thrown out, which might have been a little rash because I'm looking at a recipe right now that looks like it wouldn't taste bark like, especially since this mixture calls for coconut milk. It is at the top of the trash though, so I suppose I could just pull it out and put it back in the fridge. No one would know. Well, you would I guess, assuming that someone is reading this. 

...no one's reading this.

No - I will not be removing food from the trash. I've reached some weird lows a few weeks ago, I will not be taking a trip down memory lane.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 247.5

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

Two weeks later

Monday was my two week follow-up appointment with the surgeon (well, technically it was 12 days post op, but who's counting?) and things are looking great. The surgeon said all is well, that I'm doing great, and I've been cleared to start cardio and move on to soft foods. No sweeter words have been uttered to me before because I have been looking forward to a soft boiled egg for a month now. I mean really, who fantasizes about an egg? Me - I do. Judge me.

I did not count on how difficult eating would be though. I don't know why I thought it wouldn't be challenging; hell, when I first started drinking water I could barely get a teeny sip in without it hurting, and now I can take almost normal sized gulps. For whatever reason, I opted to try a soft scrambled egg with a dash of milk topped with cheese, which ended up being an awful idea. Why didn't I just follow my heart? Trust you gut, people. Always go with your instincts. I was able to get maybe half of it down before I gave up and sat with this feeling of an elephant on my chest. After about an hour, I ended up laying down and napped for a good four hours. Can you even call that a nap? I know people who average four hours of sleep a night.

So now I'm several days into this soft food adventure and I've discovered a few things that I like and can tolerate well:
1. Deviled eggs
2. Deviled eggs
3. Deviled eggs

Experiments are still being done regularly though and I've used every pot and pan in my apartment for the first time since moving in... in 2012. I did make something called "Shelly's Ricotta Bake" (for which I make a homemade sauce that my mom would be damn proud of) and tonight for dinner I had a fake taco, which was really just taco meat with a little bit o' taco sauce, half a of dollop sour cream and a dusting of cheddar cheese. Once again though, I couldn't finish it. At least I have my deviled eggs prepped and ready to go for tomorrow.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 247.5

Height: 5'7"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

The hunt begins

Post surgery, protein supplements become a core part of recovery and sustained health. Also, it helps prevent your hair from falling out, which is a lovely side affect from anesthesia; so, because I'm a vapid narcissist (ha), the driving motive behind me finding a tolerable supplement is to prevent my impending baldness. The only thing is, I need 100% whey isolate protein. I honestly didn't even know that there were different types of protein out there because, let's face it, I'm no body builder and it just never occurred to me to give a damn. Unfortunately, 100% whey isolate protein taste's like the devil's tit. No - that's too much of a compliment. The horribleness that is this supplement is equivalent to liquid NyQuil mixed with gonorrhea dipped in dirty water that cleaned someone's ball sack.

I digress.

The first protein supplement that I bought was some Costco brand pre-made boxed beverage. My sister used to drink them when she first became a vegetarian and she told me that they weren't terrible, so I thought I'd give it a go. My brother also cosigned their apparent deliciousness, so when I got home from the hospital I thought this would be a walk in the park. I assure you though that it wasn't. These things were disgusting, and I can't exactly put my finger on why they were disgusting. It might be because I currently can not drink anything quickly (it fills up my tiny ass stomach too quickly and then it hurts). Everything I eat or drink I must savor and it's a little difficult to savor chocolate flavored chalk in thick liquid form. It might also have to do with the fact that i drank nothing but chocolate Opti-Fast shakes for two weeks prior to surgery and the idea of having to drink chocolate anything makes me want to kick a baby. I tried these drinks for another day or so before I gave up and moved on.

I moved on to one of two samples I purchased from The Vitamin Shoppe, both made by Syntrax's Nectar. I mixed the vanilla flavored one first with entirely too much water. It looked like... actually I don't even want to relive what it looked like, but it took over 3 hours to get it down. That evening I made the chocolate flavored one (even though I was dreading anything chocolate) and mixed it with milk this time. Beside the fact that this shit does not mix instantly and you have a million little clumpies floating all about, the taste was not terrible - more or less in the tasty family and since this was a semi good experience, I was forced to purchase the giant tub of it to hold me over until I find something with a bit more variety. I would also like to mention that this $40 tub was just barely half full. They're going to get a strongly worded letter from me. 

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 249.8

Height: 5'8"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

You want me to do what?

Two nights ago was the biggest moment since surgery: it was time to remove the on-Q pain pump out of my body. Yes, I, me, Heather was going to pull not one, but two, foreign bodies out of my chest (okay, not really my chest, it was more like my abdomen, but still equally as traumatizing). When my surgeon told me I had to do this, I gave him the death stare. You want me to do what? He told me it was no big deal at all and completely painless. Uh huh. 

Now, I'm pretty good at handling pain most of the time. I have sat through an array of tattoos and body piercings; having blood taken doesn't bother me; go ahead and shove an IV into my veins. You want to know what they all have in common? I'm not the one doing these things to myself. Other than tweezing my eyebrows, I have never been able to inflict pain upon myself on purpose. Nope. Nada. Never.

The nurse sent me home with some handy instructions and reassured me that this was going to be a breeze. Fast forward to Monday night. The pump was completely empty and ready to be removed. I was feeling amped. I got this. Let's do this! My sister grabbed my cell phone, turned the recorder on and we were about to make magic happen. 

First, I begin to slowly peel back the bandage, tape and dressing. It's like I'm opening a present on Christmas morning because I can barely contain my excitement. I really wasn't prepared for what was underneath. This shit looked gnarly. Actually, that doesn't even begin to describe it, but I'll save you the graphic details. You're welcome.

Now I'm staring at the two catheters that need to come out. Literally within 30 seconds of me trying to pull the first one out, I became light headed and nauseous. My sister called for my brother and his girlfriend, who were already laying in bed. So, Rebecca accepts the challenge and bravely goes in. Within one tug, I was done. Over it. I'm going to the hospital. I also completely ruined their evening. 

Heather-sweatz: Mood Killer.

So, in the most dramatic fashion I head on over to the ER. Can I just say that the dullest humans in the world work the front desk. I'm feeling pretty good, other than this shit hanging out of me, but I'm in no pain. So, I'm just being my lighthearted self. No reaction - crickets all around. Bitches. Anyway, once I was brought back and laid down on the least comfortable stretcher ever, the nurse (who did have an epic personality actually) was able to pull these things out of me within seconds. 

Showoff. 

She did totally understand what I was saying about it being completely unnatural and gross to pull some crazy tubing out of your own body. Finally, someone in the medical profession who wasn't lying to me, and reassuring me that it was no big deal. If I was into that sort of thing, don't you think I would have gone into med school or something? I do payroll. C'mon son.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 249.8

Height: 5'8"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

Franken-sweatz

I'm absolutely in love with the doctors at Sentara Medical Center here in Woodbridge. Not only is my surgeon a Giants fan, but my anesthesiologist is a Giants fan. I even saw another doctor roaming the halls with a Giants scrub cap on. We've got some smart people working in the DC area, I'm telling you.

So, surgery has come and gone already and I can't believe I'm on the other side of the fence now. Waking up in recovery was very bizarre. First off, without my glasses, I'm completely blind. You could be standing three inches from my face and I'd still need to squint. So picture this: I'm waking up, I can't see shit, I'm in pain, I'm nauseous and now I'm crying. What a sight, right? They do have some great drugs though. I've never been one to handle medication though, so with each dose of Dilaudid I would pass out almost immediately. No complaints from me though.

So, even though this was my first (and hopefully) only surgery, I think I've been handling everything like a champ. With each passing day, I feel less and less sore. It's much easier to get around. Learning how to eat is very strange though. I'm simply not hungry, but I know I have to get food in me so I don't die from starvation. The most I've been able to get down without feeling terrible is 4 tablespoons, which is right on track for when I'm ready for the mushy food stage. I can feel the food going down though, and sitting in my stomach. I don't even know how to describe it - I suppose only people who've had this surgery can relate. It's just such a relief not to be drinking that disgusting Opi-Fast any more. The protein shakes that I bought tastes just like them though, which I'm not thrilled about at all. I'm going to need to figure something else out, because I can't seem to choke these things down very well.

I am a little annoyed with two things though - and I fully plan on bitching about it even though this surgery is helping me save my life and I shouldn't really be caring about aesthetics right now. The largest scar is near my belly button; it's larger than the others because that's the location they yanked my stomach out of (graphic, huh!?), it seems like they sewed the skin up a little too tightly at that location because there's this sunken in, dent thing right above the scar. Also, since the scar is right near my belly button, and the skin was pulled tightly, it shifted the location of my belly button ring hole, and it's now all stretch out. I think if I try to put it back it, it'll lay really crooked. Who cares though, right? I might just rock the crooked piercing, and be done with it. I'm kinda hoping that as I lose weight, the skin will even itself out or something. What do I really know though? Seems like it could be logical, right?

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 260.9

Height: 5'8"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

Off the Deep End

Don't ask - I just needed it

Having money in my bank account is fucking with me - I'm thinking I need some sort of intervention. Not only am I spending money like it's going out of style, but I've somehow turned into my mother; she was the reigning champion of owning useless shit. Honestly, I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond for one thing: salad plates - only because I need this sized plate for when I can eat solid foods again and I only had 4. I really should have known better than to think I was going to walk into that store for one thing. I mean, who was I kidding? I even went as far as to not even grab a shopping cart, but the walk to the dishware section rendered me absolutely helpless. I couldn't stop myself. And you know what's even more fucked? They KNOW they got you as soon as you walk in, and they have gone so far as to place shopping cart stations in the middle of the damn store. I'm convinced absolutely no one steps foot in that place without spending their rent money. My brother and I were discussing the evil that is Bed, Bath and Beyond just last night. He went in there for curtains, and walked out with $400 worth of shit. 

We're getting down the wire, and I feel like I should be feeling nervous or something. I'm just looking forward to the next chapter of my life. I know it's not going to be easy, as this pre-op diet have proved. I've never had surgery before, so you would think I would feel something resembling fear or anxiety. I'm just not. I'm excited to be honest. This is such a huge deal, and I feel like I've overcome so much, especially in the past four years. I was given a second chance at life four years ago tomorrow, and you bet your ass I'm going to make the very best of it.

Starting weight: 273.4

Last weight in: 266

Height: 5'8"

Surgeon's goal: 180

Personal goal: 160

Farewell!

It's getting so damn close I can taste it (mm, tasting things); today is my last day in the office until September 5th! My inbox is officially empty, I've handed off all of my work to everyone else in my department, and my out of office message is ready to go to work.

Since I'm not spending money on food anymore, I have an exorbitant amount of money in my bank account. Is this what it's like not to live paycheck to paycheck? That's a nice perk to have along with the being healthy and looking hot benefit. I couldn't go without spending though, so I threw $130 at Target on Sunday and then I dropped $180 at BJ's on Tuesday. In my defense I needed everything I bought... and by needed I mean wanted, and didn't need at all.

Actually, no, I needed one thing: my protein drinks. And the ninja blender. And the bento boxes for my food when I can eat again. And the jewelry hanger. And the lamp. And the new curtains. Okay, fuck it, I needed everything. Judge me.

Also, I'm completely fed up with weighing myself everyday - this shit is beyond stressful. I know for a fact I'm losing inches, because I wore things this week that didn't fit me last week. So, even if the scale is claiming that I've gained weight it just can't be scientifically possible; you can't gain fat when you're eating less than 1,000 calories a day. So, every Wednesday will be the official weigh-in day from now on.

Starting weight: 273.4
This week's weight: 266
Height: 5'8"
Surgeon's goal: 180
Personal goal: 160

For shame!

So, just when I thought sticking my finger into some mayo made me officially reach new lows, I was quickly reassured that there are lower points... like when you drive to Taco Bell at 11:30pm on a Monday night because the hunger pangs are so terrible you've begun to cry. The sad part is that after I felt better for finally eating, I was immediately distraught and felt immense guilt. I truly don't understand how people can fast like this without slipping up.

Damn... those tacos look delicious up there. I digress.

Yesterday was a new day though, and I have been on track since, even if the thoughts of food keep dancing around in my mind. My surgeon told me yesterday that the second week was so much easier. I asked him if he's ever done this two week fast. He hasn't; so therefore he's allowed to give me zero advice and/or encouragement about not eating. I did discover that he's a New York Giants fan, so he quickly redeemed himself.

I also find it humanly impossible that I've gained weight - I'm consuming less than 1,000 calories a day, and aside from my late night binge on Monday night, I would assume that I would either stay even keeled or lost at least something. I also take issue with the fact that every scale I step on gives me a different number. How am I supposed to realistically keep track of weight loss if I weigh 267 at home and 270 at the doctor's office?

Whatevs.

Good news though - my size 20 slacks have become officially too damn big to wear out in public, and I have my old favorite grey slacks on that haven't fit in a year. Granted, they are a bit snug, but, they're up, they fit and there's no camel toe - so I call that a win.

Starting weight: 273.4
Today's weight: 267.6
Height: 5'8"
Surgeon's goal: 180
Personal goal: 160

Sweet, sweet silence

I have a small apartment; it's my little sanctuary that I share with my dog Charlie. It's also the very first place that I've ever lived at alone, so it definitely holds a degree of awesomeness in my life. My sister came down to visit from Staten Island on July 21st and she set up shop in my living room upon my giant air mattress. I really like having her around, but two people sharing my apartment is... difficult, to say the least. Well, as if having two people in my 550 square foot apartment wasn't challenging enough, my 6'3" very loud, straight out of Brooklyn father told me that he was headed down my way and would be staying for a week.

A week.

I came home yesterday to the first time in almost two week to the sound of nothing. Thankfully, the most helpful thing they did for me was rid my apartment of all food. The only thing in my house are random condiments and my pre-op "food". Although, yesterday while I was in the midst of severe hunger, I stuck my finger into a jar of mayo; but in my defense, it was light mayo. 

I've officially reached new lows.

Starting weight: 273.4
Today's weight: 267.4
Height: 5'8"
Surgeon's goal: 180
Personal goal: 160

mmm... tortillas

Yesterday, my company had this extravagant summer luau party, and as far as the eye could see there was food, dessert and drinks. I wasn't even going to put myself in that situation, but I felt like I should make an appearance with the rest of my team; I think I lasted maybe 20 minutes. You want to talk about torture? Put yourself in a room full of deliciousness imaginable and drink nothing but water. I ran away as fast as I could, but it kind of set the mood for the rest of the evening.

By the time I got home, I was beyond the point of hungry, so I made some of that delicious chicken flavored soup and a nutrition bar and sat my ass on the couch. I felt satisfied for about 20 minutes. Then out of no where, visions of soft tortillas were floating around in my mind. I couldn't make the thoughts stop. All I wanted was a tortilla. Tortillas aren't even something I've ever craved before. Who the hell craves plain tortillas?!

I made an effort to forget about the tortillas and eat some Jell-O. You know what Jell-O doesn't taste like? Fucking tortillas. You know what did help? Forcing myself to pass out at 9:30pm. I did manage to lose 3 pounds since yesterday morning though, so there's that.

Starting weight: 273.4
Today's weight: 270.1
Height: 5'8"
Surgeon's goal: 180
Personal goal: 160